The venue was the vintage markets in beautiful Matakana, and it was sponsored by a pretty awesome New Zealand magazine called Glory Days. We had a great time, I felt good singing, I did well, people stopped and stared and listened when they heard us, some stayed for nearly two hours.
I had taken pain medication so my pain levels were manageable, I was wearing a retro frock, I even had my hair done with victory rolls at the on site beauty parlour, as it was a vintage event and then I lined up with the four other lovely ladies (also frocked up) in my group and enjoyed the applause and great comments . It was a delicious feeling.
Then I saw the photos, on the computor, on Facebook.
Even when I feel good, I look odd. I look exactly as one would expect a lady in a fat suit to look.... Fat. Not a little bit chubby, really FAT.
I am finding it really hard to accept myself, I am struggling with the idea, it's never going away. I make progress and I tell myself why I am worthwhile and worthy, and then I see photographs of how the world sees me and I am horrified.
I feel so disconnected from my body, I don't feel the way I look, and yet there it is... no amount of make up or hairspray, or jewellery or flattering clothing will ever conceal it.... so what now....... *crickets* ........
How do I get past this? I can't explain it to everyone who sees me... even if I handed out fliers and educated the world as to why I look like I do..... I still can't stand to look at myself. Lipedema has disfigured my body and trashed my self confidence. I don't know how to get through this, I don't know how to escape from hating how I look and feeling powerless to change it. ..... I will think on it, and get back to you.
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